Dende Must be Crazy Or Stoned
by Larania Drake
Summary: Actually... this one is... A CROSSOVER WITH X1999?
1. Default Chapter

Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned)

****

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z does not belong to me; it belongs to Toei and Funimation. Ugh.

Warning: Rampant OOC. This is a parody.

            Piccolo woke up. 

            Something was very wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it. The day was sunny, the birds were singing, and the flowers on his nightstand were a lovely shade of blue. Frowning, he pushed back his fluffy comforter to look around his snug house.

            He couldn't get it. Everything was the way it should be, right?

            Ah, well, maybe things would look different after a shower. Finally getting all the way out of his comfy bed, he paused in front of the mirror, noticing something was very wrong.

            He had a dick.

            _Thump._

Piccolo's contemplating of what was wrong with the universe abruptly stopped, as he had a meeting with the ground.

~*~*~*~*~

            "Pup, get me a beer," called a voice from the garage. It was rough and harsh, full of crude disregard for the person being yelled at. The small figure on the way to the kitchen stopped, and fumed for a few moments, before going to get the demanded beer. 

            "Took you long enough, Vegeta," said Bulma, taking a long drag of her cigar and blowing it in into the Prince's face. The blue haired inventor snatched the beer and popped it open, guzzling half before letting out a long burp. Vegeta's delicate face twisted in a grimace of distaste. 

            "You can be so disgusting, Bulma," he said quietly, luminous eyes filling with tears. Bulma snorted and went back to working on her machines.

            "You're so MEAN!" Vegeta yelled, and ran off, heading to his Gravity Room, where he trained and knitted and made all sorts of beautiful throw pillows. 

~*~*~*~*~

            Goku woke up, wondering what was wrong that morning. 

            Everything was as it should be.

            "Hey, Gohan, checked on your mother this morning?" he called, getting out of bed and heading over to his closet. He frowned at his clothing. His usual orange gi wouldn't do today of all days…

            "Yeah, she's fine! She stopped trying to chew through the straightjacket this morning after I put the muzzle on her. It didn't look like she damaged it that badly, so I didn't get her a new one. She goes through them so fast. I doubt she could get out of her padded room anyways."

            Goku yawned leisurely. "So long as she can't get out and ruin my day, I don't care," he replied absently, making his clothing choices. 

            "Mind if I molest Goten later?"

            "Sure, whatever," Goku said, not hearing. He jumped into the shower, before donning his new clothes…

~*~*~*~*~

            Piccolo fought his way back to consciousness, knowing that SOMETHING had to be very, very wrong. Especially after that horrible nightmare.

            His eyelids fluttered open, and he looked around, and his eyes fixed on the mirror.

            "Oh, thank Dende," he muttered, seeing nothing protruding from his groin. Sighing with relief, he poked himself. Then stopped and blinked. Heart thudding with sudden horror, he sat in front of the mirror and spread his legs, seeing two flaps of skin, and a hole…

            The green giant screamed like a girl (which she now was) and passed out again.

~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta scowled as someone interrupted his needlework. Dammit, didn't people know how hard counted cross-stitch was? 

            Getting up and huffing in annoyance, he opened the door to his Gravity Room, and there stood the man of his dreams.

            Goku leaned languidly against the door jam, eyes smoldering as he took in the lithe form of Vegeta, who stared bashfully back. Vegeta had never seen such a manly man before. He was dressed in snug black leather pants, and a black silk shirt, with a ruffled collar and cuffs and open to the waist, showing off his manly chest. The small prince was absolutely stunned by his manliness.

            "Hello, Vegeta. My, you look, just, delicious," SSJ Kakarrot said, licking his lips and prowling up to victim. Vegeta's face turned white with fear, and he crumpled to the ground. Kakarrot suddenly went from being the sexual predator to conciliatory companion.

            "Oh, Vegeta, what's wrong? Come on, you can tell your Kakarrot," he cooed to the sobbing Prince. 

            "Its just that… I had a rotten childhood!" he wailed. "Frieza, he, he-"

            "He what?" said the righteous Kakarrot, his eyes blazing with rage. 

            "He gave me a TIME OUT and sent me to the CORNER and wouldn't let me have a SNACK when I was hungry! Then Zarbon, he, HE TOLD ME A DIRTY JOKE! AND SAID A BAD WORD!"

            "MONSTROUS!" Kakarrot declared, scooping up Vegeta into his arms, who curled up like a kitten. "You have every reason to have been an evil son of a bitch and destroyed planets for the fun of it. Why, I can't comprehend such horror! You poor little prince, let me, your manly Kakarrot, take you away from this and ravish you!"

            Vegeta's face was transformed by this act of kindness. "I've waited my entire life to be dominated and overpowered by such a manly Saiya-jin! Ravish me and pound my ass bloody!"

            "With pleasure," Kakarrot purred, and exploded out of the Gravity room, burning many of the lovely colorful throw pillows that Vegeta had been working on.

~*~*~*~*~

            "Would you look at that?" laughed Bulma, guzzling another beer and smashing it against her head, and burping at the same time. "Damn, I gotta get me a real woman some time, looks like fun. _Buuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrp. _BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

            "Hey, Mom!" said a voice, and Mirai Trunks walked in. "Can I molest my younger self?"

            "Sure, have fun, just remember to tape it this time, okay?"

~*~*~*~*~

            Piccolo awoke once again, praying he had been dreaming. 

            Dende must have hated him.

            Now… He looked, and saw that he had a dick, and a vagina.

            "DAMMIT! THAT IS ANATOMICALLY IMPROBABLE! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??" 

~*~*~*~*~

            Dende snorted another line of cocaine, and laughed hysterically.

            "You're right, Larania, torturing them IS a lot of fun!"

            Meanwhile, a feverishly sick and drugged up Larania continued to type…

~*~*~*~*~*~

            The cage door was open, gnawed through at the hinges. Blood dripped from where the muzzle had been gnawed through. Insane laughing could be heard throughout the forest…

            Vegeta looked around fearfully.

            "Are you sure this is safe, Kakarrot?" he asked, looking around. 

            "Its perfectly safe, my kitty cutie honey baby," Kakarrot soothed. "No one is around to hear us for a thousand miles."

            "Oh, I'm being silly," Vegeta smiled, so brightly that his teeth shone brighter than a flash bulb, momentarily blinding Kakarrot. "You are right, of course. You're always right!"

            "Of course I'm right," the larger and manlier Saiya-jin male said with Touga like confidence, meaning he just wanted to get into Vegeta's pants. "Lets go and get something to eat… we'll need it," he said seductively.

            "YEAH!" Vegeta said, brightly of course, and again blinding Kakarrot. Happily, they ran to the small cottage. As soon as they entered, however, Vegeta screamed. 

            "Kakarrot! HOLD ME!"

            "What is it, Vegeta-honey-sweetie-pie?"

            "THE HORROR!" he moaned, holding his manly male. "Oh, the HORROR!"

            Kakarrot wanted to scream as well, when he realized what had happened. The house was spotlessly clean. Top to bottom, it smelled pleasantly of lemon pledge and Pine sol. They knew what this had to mean.

            _VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR_

They paused, hearing an unfamiliar sound. It became steadily louder-

            _VrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

"OH DENDE!" Vegeta screamed, as a chainsaw erupted from Kakarrot's back. Grabbing his fallen almost lover, he started to drag him away, still screaming hysterically. There was a sudden loud CRACK-

            "DAMN! My high heels! They broke!"

            Looking over his shoulder, Vegeta saw the torn straightjacket clad form of Chichi, wearing a hockey mask and carrying a bloody chainsaw, pacing slowly behind him.

            "Don't you die on me," Vegeta wailed to Goku. "I need you, you big lug! Don't die on me!"

            They approached the lake where they were going to have their merry skinny-dipping, and Vegeta could no longer carry Goku's limp form.

            "Vegeta, I have something I need to tell you," Kakarrot whispered, his eyes full of unshed tears. The Saiya-jin Prince kissed him tenderly.

            "What is it, my love?" he said tearfully.

            "You have a really great ass- but Yamcha's is better," he said, then croaked.

            "You, you PLAYBOY!" Vegeta wailed, again, and started to kick Goku all over. 

            _VVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

"NO!" Vegeta screamed, running from the still slowly walking Chichi. She held the Bloody Chainsaw of Doom over her head, and advanced, slowly, at Vegeta. 

            The prince stood, helplessly, despite the fact that Chichi was moving so slowly-

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Piccolo moaned as he stroked his giant hard dick and moved his brand new vibrator in and out of his vagina. 

            "So… THAT'S why I have these!" he said, and continued to play with himself. 

~*~*~*~*~

            Bulma laughed drunkenly as she watched the home porn made by Yamcha, Tien, and Krillin. 

            "Amateurs," she mocked, and puffed on her cigar. 

~*~*~*~*~

            Dende stared at Larania. "Aren't you going to finish it? What happens to Vegeta?" he demanded.

            "I don't know," Larania shrugged. 

            "Why are Mirai and Gohan molesting people?" Dende yelled. 

            "I don't know."

            "Why are you writing this crap??" 

            "I felt a deep psychological need to express my inmost desires in print, but that has nothing to do with this story."

            "You're sick, you know that?" Dende snarled, throwing his hands up in the air and stomping away, ignoring that his cocaine had blown off and into the skies around the Lookout.

            Larania shrugged. "I know that."

~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta woke up wondering why he suddenly wanted to subscribe to Better Homes and Gardens.

            Goku woke up wondering why he idolized movie Akio.

            Gohan, Goten, Trunks and Trunks woke up wondering why the hell they had watched Legend of the Overfiend.

            Chichi woke up with a chainsaw. That was nothing new, but this time it was actually CLEAN.

            Bulma decided to take up porn again.

            Piccolo woke up neuter, and decided to hunt down a certain authoress who should have never been allowed near a computer…

            And all was well with the world. 

The end.


	2. too little sleep

Dende Must Be Crazy (or Stoned) II

****

Disclaimer: Its not mine, I don't own anything other then my demented imagination. Heh.

            Gohan and Mirai Trunks both blinked as they realized something very important.

            "Hey, do you know how to molest someone?" Trunks asked, scratching his head. Gohan shook his head. 

            "Mom never explained the birds and bees to me, she told me that Dad should do it. And… well, Dad forgot to tell me. Ever time I asked, he forgot what the birds and the bees were. He explained they were flying animals…"

            Trunks sweat dropped. 

            "I know how two girls do it, but otherwise I'm in the dark."

            Meanwhile, Goten and chibi-Trunks continued to play by the riverbank.

~*~*~*~*~

            "I'm TELLING you LARANIA that you will GIVE ME BACK MY DICK AND VAGINA RIGHT NOW!" Piccolo screamed, shaking the authoress so hard her teeth rattled.

            "You're just mad I raped you in Piccolo's Really Bad Night," Larania said, between shakes. Truthfully, she was still so sick and coughing that she really couldn't tell what was going on. 

            Piccolo abruptly stopped- he felt rather embarrassed at that…

            "All right, you can be a hermaphrodite again, but you have to be in this story," Larania said and shrugged.

            Abruptly a bunch of tentacles emerged from the adjoining room and grabbed Piccolo, dragging him away.

            While Piccolo screamed, Larania laughed in a drugged kind of way.

            "Cool."

~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta wondered why he felt odd.

            Of course, that probably had to with the fact he was wearing his pretty armor and his bow and arrows.

            "What's wrong, Fuu?" Umi asked, turning to her friend. Vegeta frowned, confused, but shrugged it off.

            "I do not know, Umi-san," he answered, fiddling with his glasses. "But I had this sudden memory of something being wrong…"

            "Puu, puu pupupu PUU!" answered Mokona, nodding.

~*~*~*~*~

            "You didn't!" Dende said, eyes shocked.

            "I did," Larania answered, nodding happily.

            "You really ARE sick- you turned VEGETA into a MAGICAL GIRL??"

~*~*~*~*~

            The universe decided to rock right then, because a new god was coming. The power and force of this being was incredible. There was nothing they could do to stop it.

            "Um, Larania? Aren't I god?" asked Dende, leaning over her shoulder to see what she was typing.

            "Not for long!" she chirped, then coughed.

            Suddenly, appeared from nowhere were three girls. One was Umi, the other Hikaru, and the other was…

            Vegeta, dressed in green, who adjusted his glasses again.

            "Oh," he said, and a large furry rabbit like thing that seemed to be made of rubber bounced out of nowhere.

            "Behold the face of god," Larania said, bowing.

            "PUUU!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Meanwhile…

            "We need to find some way to stop her," Chichi muttered, sharpening her weapons. 

            "Yeah, she took a test, got only a few hours of sleep. And she is still sick," Bulma muttered, puffing on a new cigar.

            "No, I mean Vegeta. She just doesn't look right in that Magical Girl costume."

~*~*~*~*~

            Dende sighed as he took out the Ki Mallet of Justice and bonked Larania.

            Everything went back to normal…

            "DAMMIT!" screamed a voice from another room. "I WAS ENJOYING THAT!"

            Piccolo, very ravished at the moment, stumbled out and glared at Dende. 

            Dende just blinked. Larania snored.

~*~*~*~*~

            Chichi frowned and sighed as her pretty chainsaw disappeared. "I guess that means I don't get to kill more people, huh?"

            Bulma shrugged. "If it makes you feel better, you and I will always have Paris."

            Chichi looked confused. "We've never been to Paris."

            "Oops, wrong person."

~*~*~*~*~*~

            The universe was trying to recover. It tried, it really did.

            However, Piccolo was now a hentai.

            Vegeta thought he was Fuu from Magic Knight Rayearth.

            Chichi thought that being a housewife was boring, so she cooked Goku.

            And, in the end, Larania just kept snoring…

The end… until the next time… or something…


	3. The Attack of the Mary Sue

**Dende Must Be Crazy (or Stoned) III**

****

Disclaimer: None of the series depicted in this fanfiction belong to me, and I make no money from this work of fanfiction.

2000 A.D.

Man found God at the South Pole.

God was not happy to be found.

Therefore, Dende blew everything straight to Hell.

~*~*~*~*~

"You didn't," Dende deadpanned.

"I did," said the authoress.

"You are writing a spoof of DBZ and Evangelion? Dammit, I want Larania back," Dende groused. He looked at this new person, who adjusted her knew blood colored glasses on her nose. 

"She's retired for a while. I'm taking her place. Other than some physical differences, we are the same person," Asha tried to console him. 

Dende coughed. "SOME physical differences? Right, you're blue, furry and have green hair and the mark of the void on your forehead. You have yellow eyes. And a white tail. Of course... You are a bigger psycho..."

"Uh huh!" the aforementioned psycho nodded.

~*~*~*~*~

Alarms went off all over the city of Tokyo-3. In the old, flooded city, a massive figure swam. It was to bring a catastrophe bigger than the Second Impact of 15 years before. It ignored the devastating forces the UN tried to throw at it, like it was a fly. 

Barney had finally arrived.

~*~*~*~*~

"Damn it, where is she?" snarled a certain flame haired figure. "When I get my hands on that stupid dragon... How dare she cast me as this- this- spineless wimp!"

As he said this, the city shook with the author's displeasure. A great voice called out-

"It's this, or back to the magical girl costume!"

Vegeta froze. There was no way, NO WAY he was going to be Fuu again...

"Did I say I was mad at the dragon? Who, me? No. I like the dragon, more power to her!"

"She's not here right now," said the voice, as it faded- and klaxons took the voice's place.

Vegeta winced at the noise. "GAH!" he yelped, covering his sensitive ears. He was about to scream more profanities when a blue car squealed down the road, for a moment entirely on its right tires as it swung around- and he blinked as he realized he recognized the driver.

"Chichi? What is Kakarrot's crazy woman doing here?" he nearly yelped. He'd never been a fan of the Eva story, and now he was starting to regret it...

"Are you Ikari Vegeta?" Chichi said, leaning over and opening the door. 

"Yes," the Saiya-jin prince answered, getting in the car. "Are you here to take me to my father?"

"Yup," Chichi chirped. "I'm here to take you to NERV." With the smell of burnt rubber, Chichi floored the ignition, and they shot off-

"Stop the car! I'm gonna be sick!" Vegeta said, suddenly clutching his stomach.

"Don't be such a baby!" Chichi sneered- and they could see the giant Barney monster that was rapidly approaching. There was much shaking and quaking of pavement and buildings, and this time Vegeta really did puke. Could you blame him? I mean, faced with a giant Barney that had come to reunite with Dende and cause the destruction of humanity...

The UN kept attacking, but it was useless against Barney's A.S field.

"Isn't that supposed to be A.T Field?" Vegeta asked, wiping his mouth as Chichi mourned her black skirt.

"No, its not. At least, not yet. And stop breaking the fourth wall," Asha yelled.

"Then what does it stand for?" Chichi said, after cussing Vegeta out.

"Annoying Singing Field." The aforementioned purple dinosaur Shito broke out into a rendition of the "I Love You" song and both Chichi and Vegeta covered their ears and dived for cover.

"BRING OUT THE N2 MINES!" 

KAAAAAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

~*~*~*~*~*~

"We got it!" cheered the people in the UN- most of which had been forced to watch Barney as children and held a grudge against the purple monster. They were then in a sensor blackout from the backwash of the N2 mine. After several minutes... It came back up...

"Dear god, its still alive?" gasped one of the generals. The Beast was charred- but it was also regenerating.

The generals all turned to the smirking form behind them. 

"Alright, Ikari, I guess you get your chance," the head hissed, annoyed to have to ask anything of this... person.

"That is what NERV was created for," Ikari murmured, smirking from behind his folded hands, sitting at his desk.

"Dear god man," whispered Ikari's sub-commander. "You can't be serious about this…"

"Rei's not dead yet," Ikari barely frowned. "And a back-up pilot is on the way."

"No- I mean your pants. Please, put them back on. Everyone else might not see you, but I can- and the view of your ass is making me sick."

~*~*~*~*~

A cry came from the wilderness-

"RECAST!"

Ikari glared at Asha. "This is not in the prescribed scenario."

"I told you to wear pants."

"I must get Yui back!"

"I TOLD YOU TO WEAR PANTS!"

"This is for the betterment of human kind!"

**"I TOLD YOU TO WEAR PANTS!!!**"

"But I like being free to the breeze!"

The entire world paused, as they realized this egotistical megalomaniac was still not wearing any pants…

Asha sighed- and had the nice burly young men in the white coats drag Gendo Ikari off. This was a long time in coming… The poor crazed loony needed therapy. So what if he made her want to torture him like Akio and Frieza?

"Crud… someone else has to play Gendo. Who else could be the twisted, so callous of feeling? Who could treat his own family like that?"

~*~*~*~*~

Thus, the universe was changed.

Again.

"One, two, three!" Chichi and Vegeta grunted, rolling her blue car back over onto its wheels.

"Thanks," Chichi muttered. "Oh, by the way, I'm Katsuragi Misato. You can call me Misato if you want to."

Vegeta blinked. What the hell? She didn't remember being Chichi? Crazy author…

"We're going to see my father now?" Vegeta asked, feeling ambiguous about the whole thing…

Chichi nodded. They were then speeding off, after, eh, borrowing some battery packs…

"What does my father do here?" Vegeta asked, nervously this time. Dammit, this Shinji personality was getting to him…

Chichi glanced over at him, as they made their way into headquarters. "Didn't he tell you?"

"No, I wouldn't be asking if I knew, now would I? But the asshole always has his reasons. He wouldn't call me just because he wanted to get together for Christmas."

Captain Katsuragi frowned. This 'kid's' mouth was getting to her. However, it didn't matter- as they soon reached the Geofront.

They wandered and wandered and wandered some more (making Vegeta wonder if they were in a Ranma ½ fanfic staring Ryouga) until Chichi finally sweat-dropped and used the intercom to call for Dr. Piccolo to come to their elevator- which they had been riding up and down for the past twenty minutes.

After five more long minutes of waiting, the elevator finally opened, onto a rather annoyed green face, above a white lab coat and- and black male bikini?

Enter the first fan service of the fic!

"Lost again Katsuragi?" Dr. Piccolo said in a flat, bored tone. Chichi just sweat dropped again and laughed. Not before checking out his bikini, however. The 'special' modifications the earlier fics had made were still there, apparently…

"Captain?" Vegeta poked her. She snapped out of her dazed state and wiped the drool off her chin. 

Piccolo and Chichi discussed what was going on, which was basically inane babble about numbers and devils and other weird crap that he ignored. He was not looking forward to meeting the person he called father. He was looking forward even less to the other weird crap, and the pilots involved and the Shito. What the hell were those things? Dammit, he wished he were back in his gravity room training… Though he had to admit Piccolo DID look good in a bikini, nice ass on that Namek…

Then darkness that descended was terrifying for a moment, until the lights returned- and Vegeta wished the lights had stayed off.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

"That," Piccolo said, with a tone of satisfaction, "Is the biomechoid being called Evangelion Unit 01. It was created here, in secret. It is the best hope for human kind against the Shito."

"Screw the humans, this wasn't in the script!"

"Vegeta," Chichi hissed.

"You will pilot it, Third Child," came a voice from an overlook above the giant Evangelion.

All the people on the bridge looked up- to see Gendo Ikari. 

At least, it was the person playing Gendo. This person was wearing the trademark red tinted glasses (and pants, to everyone's relief), white gloves, and the NERV uniform. 

"Uh," Vegeta was about as speechless as he could get. "When did my father have sex change? When did she become furry and blue, with green hair?"

"I was the only person who could play Gendo on such short notice, Third Child," Asha said, in a flat voice. 

"Screw you, you just want me to pilot it!" Vegeta hissed, trying to power up, then realizing that for this story, he was basically human. "God damn it!"

Without acknowledging Vegeta, Asha/Gendo turned to monitors in her overlook.

"Bring out Ayanami," she whispered. On the monitors, her sub-commander, Gohan, tried to protest.

"She's the only usable pilot right now," ordered Asha. Gohan nodded reluctantly.

"Bulma," Asha said gently over the intercom. "We need you."

There was a rush of wheels, as a hospital bed, carrying a small, lithe form was rushed out to bridge in the cage of EVA Unit 01. The figure on the bed whimpered softly in pain, as she tried to get off the bed. Vegeta was aghast- it was Bulma, but Bulma was short, straight hair and blood red eyes, her skin pale as skim milk. What the hell was the author up to? She was covered in bandages…

The horrific strains of the Barney Song drifted throughout Terminal Dogma. Vegeta couldn't bring himself to move, as the building shook- causing debris to fall directly at them-

Then the EVA moved.

There was a great ripping screech, as the restraints that held the EVA in place were torn- and a massive hand sheltered Vegeta from the shrapnel. Everyone in the EVA cages paused to stare-

"It sheltered him," Piccolo whispered. "Without anyone being in the entry plug! That should be impossible!"

Vegeta looked up at Asha, a smirk on her face. He suddenly had this overwhelming desire to rip her face off…

"I'll do it," he snarled, looking back at Bulma, who smiled weakly at him. The next thing he knew he was in a metal tube thing- and there was yellow liquid being flooded into the tank. It was the color of piss…

            "This is disgusting!" he yelped, as his head was covered in the stuff.

            "Its called LCL," Piccolo told him. "Relax, it will oxygenate you blood directly."

            "Easy for you to say, you aren't in a tube of pee…"

            "Its not pee," Chichi interrupted, rolling her eyes. In the tube, there was a bright, colorful light that flashed- and Vegeta couldn't tell he was immersed in that… LCL.

            "EVA LAUNCH!" Chichi roared- and Vegeta was turned into a pancake against his chair by the G-forces.

            Vegeta reached the city streets of Tokyo-3, blinking and looking around. 

            "Just concentrate on walking," he heard Dr. Piccolo tell him, and Vegeta nodded, thinking _walk- walk- walk-_ it seemed to work until he tripped and landed on his face. This was bad; because that was when Barney decided to show up and decide the giant dragon looking robot thing needed a BIG HUG!

             "DEAR KAMI!" Vegeta screamed. "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" He could feel the sugary sweetness that assaulted his EVA like it was his own body! The agony, the horror! He was then thrown into a wall from the force of Barney's happy dance. Then Barney gave him a GREAT BIG KISS!

            "The brain case is damaged! We need to get Vegeta out of there!" Chichi yelled, trying to maintain a straight face.

            "The YODA give his survival to be 0.000000009%," yelled Krillin, one of the bridge personnel. 

            "Oh, shit," Dr. Piccolo muttered- "Oh my KAMI!" he yelled, as the Eva came back on line.

            "Its- its gone berserk!" someone whispered.

            "What? Why is it-"

            "ITS SINGING MARYLIN MANSON SONGS! They're eroding the Shito's A.S field! DEAR LORD that thing can rip!"

            Somewhere Vegeta's EVA had gotten a giant EVA sized guitar and was making it snarl, and the A.S. Field eroded, almost completely. Then it started to slam the instrument over Barney's head, over and over again.

            "OH NO!" Barney wailed, "This poor child needs another HUG!" The purple evil ran towards Vegeta's EVA, hugging it- and self-destructed!

            Flames flash-fried the city- and a charred 01 showed up.

            "Is that," Piccolo whispered.

            "The Evangelion's true form?" Chichi finished, staring, as the massive faceplate fell from the mechanical monster. 

            Vegeta slowly woke up, realizing he was still in the piss tube, that his limbs were intact- and that he was staring at the face of his EVA-

            Which looked one hell of a lot like Buu-

            Vegeta screamed-

~*~*~*~*~*~

            The Saiya-jin prince woke up in the hospital, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. He grimaced, thinking about what had happened. Things weren't right. This was supposed to be a humor fic… He'd nearly gotten killed in a humiliating manner. Sure, some humor elements were still there… Getting to his feet, he sighed at the hospital gown, before looking for his normal clothes. To his relief, someone had left his bags in his room, so he could shower in the nearby bathroom and get the LCL out of his hair.

            He thought, as the hot water flowed over him, making his usually stiff hair fall around his shoulders.

            Bulma shouldn't have been hurt. That was wrong, not funny at all. He'd felt the pain coming from the damned giant robot. There was one hell of a lot more going on here than he liked. He exited, dried himself off, and wandered down the halls. He'd memorized the maps he'd been given when he'd been brought here, when Chichi had been lost. It was no trouble to find the "commander's" office.

            She was sitting behind her desk, eyes staring through him.

            "You aren't usually this dark, onna," Vegeta said softly. 

            "You are talking of Larania. I am her shadow," Asha said softly and shrugged.

            "What? You're her evil side?"

            "No, I'm something worse. I existed for far longer than she did. I have gone through multiple transformations and crossovers. I am…"

            "Satan?" Vegeta said sarcastically. Asha just grinned.

            "I am a Mary Sue…"

            Vegeta stared in horror. He knew this was bad- but how could he have guessed this? No wonder…what the hell was in he for now?

            Asha just smirked at him- and laughed.

To be continued!

A/N: Special thanks to the author's of "I Was a Teenage Dummy Plug" and "Vengeance" for their inspiration!


	4. You've got to be kidding me Boredom stri...

                **Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned) IV**

****

Disclaimer: Any series used in this fanfic do no belong to me and I make no money from this work of fanfiction.

Warning/not: rampant OOC, insanity, yaoi and yuri eventually.

            Vegeta stood there, his eyes twitching, a vein bulging from his forehead.

            "You... want me... to WHAT?" he screamed, looking at Asha, who was still dressed as Gendo Ikari. 

            "You will be in my next fusion."

            "Why are you doing this to me?" Vegeta hissed.

            "I feel the need for more humor. It would be a refreshing break from the Evangelion story line," his tormentor answered.

            "Or else," he walked up to the blue haired woman, poking her in the chest," you'll do what?"

            "This," Asha answered, and produced a red dress. A red, Rose Bride dress.

            "ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! I'LL DO IT!" Vegeta screamed, cringing away. He had seen Trunks in the background- dressed as Akio.

~*~*~*~*~*~

                In all people's lives, there comes a time of closing. In this case... it was graduation. 

            "A-KU-RA-SU!" sang a voice, and a figure came skipping down the road.

            "A-KU-RA-SU!" the figure started knocking people over, as it resolved itself into Vegeta, dressed in a schoolgirl uniform, skipping happily. He seemed to be content to ignore the world and chant "A-KU-RA-SU!"

            SQUEEALLLL-

             CRASH!

            "Oh dear god, he's dead! He's been caught dead cross-dressing!"

            Sirens announced the arrival of the ambulance, who loaded Vegeta up, who was staring up at the sky, a goofy grin on his face, still trying to pronounce his favorite saying," ah, ah, ku..."

            "Hold on, mister!" wailed one of the EMTs. "Don't go into the light! Oh god, this is bad, his life is flashing before his eyes!"

            Even as that was said, the back wall of the ambulance faded away, showing scenes that... were drawn in crayon and looked like a five year old's rendition of manga... 

            "What the hell was he smoking earlier?" asked the other EMT, watching the flashback, appalled. 

            Vegeta, in one last-ditch effort to say something, saw a large green, poorly scribbled shape, which resolved itself into a green figure in white robes and a turban.

            "Hay- hail lord Pic-" 

            He flat lined.

            "OH SHIT!" screamed the EMT.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta floated serenely in a beautiful sea of stars. 

            "Vegeta... wake up Vegeta," called a feminine voice. Vegeta ignored it in favor of a really cool dream where he was king of the smurfs...

            "You must not die, Vegeta," said that same voice. "Life is too valuable... and more importantly, I need to kick your ass for trying to ruin my story! What the hell were you smoking, anyways?" snarled Asha, standing in front of him. Vegeta realized he was back on the stretcher and looking up at the pissed off authoress.

            "It was," he swallowed," just some cocaine that Dende gave me... he thought it would help me get into character..."

            "Oh god," she muttered. "Well, with my great powers as Author, I will start this story over, and you had better get it right this time, or its the Rose Bride Dress for you!"

            ~*~*~*~*~

            "That was messy," said a giant green man, seated in an enormous throne.

            Vegeta just squirmed. Then he straightened and said "HAIL LORD PICCOLO!"

            Piccolo, who had only gotten this role because he'd been threatened with having his genitals removed again, straightened and said, "This world is corrupt! And the only thing to make it better, is my secret ideological organization, ACROSS! Therefore-"

            Whatever else he might have said was lost as Vegeta did a manic dance around the throne room, yelling variation of Piccolo's name.

            "DYNAMITE FOR LOVE! YAY! LORD PICCOLO! Pi pi pi co co co loooo! What's the deal with that rope?" Vegeta asked, nervously, and rubbed under his nose to hide the white powder there, as Piccolo reached for a mysterious rope pull.

            "Never mind- like I was saying, this world is corrupt, and we must unify the world-"

            "YAY LORD PICCOLO!" Vegeta screamed and dived for him-

            CRACK- Vegeta fell on to the floor, a bullet in his head.

            ~*~*~*~*~

            Asha sighed, and restarted the story again. "You are not getting out of this so easily."

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "As I was saying, we need to unify the world. To start, and so we don't strain ourselves, we will begin with this city," Piccolo said, pointing to a really cool map overhead thingy. "And to make things even easier, we will start with this part of the city," the green giant continued, really hoping he could have some quality time with the tentacle monster later.

            "YAY! LORD PICCOLO! That is such a vain and grandiose plan! I'll do anything you ask of me, Lord Piccolo. If you want me to cross dress, I'll cross dress!" he said, changing back into his schoolgirl's uniform. "If you want me to throw up, I'll throw up!" he said, promptly gagging and puking. "As a loyal soldier of Across," he declared, then suddenly blushed and looked shy, "and as a bishounen in love with Lord Piccolo, I will go through raging puns, through flaming emails! OH, LORD PICCOLO! TAKE MEEEEEE!!!"

            This time, when Piccolo killed him, he used a rocket launcher.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Asha sighed and pinched the skin between her eyes. "Why me?"

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "You shouldn't rely on that," Piccolo said flatly, because Asha had threatened the tentacle monster this time.

            "Sorry!" Vegeta whined.

            "You're mission actually has nothing to do with world domination," Piccolo said, scowling. "In fact... do you know what this is?" he snarled, pointing to a computer screen, which showed the web page fanfiction.net.

            "FANFICTION!" 

            "Yes, and it shouldn't be confused with true literature. In ACROSS's brave new world, there will be no such need for materials that break the copyright laws. So- to get things started right, you will kill this person," and the cool map overhead thingy changed to show a red haired girl, with scales. 

            "This is Larania Drake, fanfiction author. Your mission tonight- is to OBLITERATE HER!"

            "Yes, I will blindly obey! I will kill all those that stand in your way, be they authors or artists!"

            ~*~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta bounced down the road down to a small apartment, far away from the city he was supposed to help conquer, holding up a broad sword and swinging it like it was a toy. 

            "OBLITERATE! DIE DIE DIE! In Lord Piccolo's World, there will be no need for such weird people like you! Woo hoo hoo! Because Lord Piccolo told me too! Joy is MINE!"

            Sneaking in... sorta, the door wasn't locked... Vegeta crawled through the room, to see a girl sitting in front of a computer, happily typing.

            "Oh! My name is Larania, I'm a fanfic author... la la la... I write a lot and I never finish a story... la la la... I get people telling me I'm worth crap! la la la..."

            Vegeta, seeing this, stared at her, his eyes manic, when he saw the cute pic on her desk that was done by Larania's little sister, and he paused.

            "Vegeta, you must not do this!" said a pleading voice, and a cute little pink Vegeta with wings pleaded with him. "No matter what Lord Piccolo says, its wrong to kill!"

            Then a demon Vegeta with bat wings kicked the cute angel Vegeta over. "Who cares? She'll wind up dead anyways when Lord Piccolo takes over the world! DO IT!"

            This started a knock down drag out fight between the two sides of Vegeta's conscience, and he wailed. "I CAN'T DECIDE!"

            CRACK!

            "The gun of Justice kick's evil's ass!" snarled good Vegeta, holding a .48.

            "Justice fights dirty," Vegeta mumbled in surprise.

            "Go forth, and do right!" Good Vegeta declared- and Vegeta nodded.

            "WAHHHH?" screamed the formerly singing author. "Its- its- a cross-dressing Vegeta??"

            "Um, no- I'm not a cross dresser-" Vegeta protested, holding up the sword. "I'm just here to kill you!"

            ~*~*~*~*~

            Do the graphic nature of the following; please imagine that you are in a nice, sunny place, watching the ocean...

            "HELP! HELP! THAT WAS MY ARM!"

            That you are seeing pretty flowers blowing in the breeze...

            "DIE BITCH! DIE!"

            There are little kittens cutely playing at your feet...

            "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Took long enough," Vegeta muttered, as you can now see him again. Larania is now in several pieces at his feet.

            "Vegeta," said a stern voice, and he turned to see Asha, glaring down at him. "You know, it's generally a bad idea to kill the original story author..."

            Vegeta backed away, eyes wide with terror.

            "I will reset the story, but you need to pay for what you have done, Vegeta," Asha continued, smiling cruelly. "You will wear the Dress, and I will cut off your coke supply from Dende..."

            "NOOOOOO!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "ALL RIIIIIIGHT!" Vegeta screamed, now wearing a blue suit with a helmet and stood in front of a construction site.

            "I GET TO DIRECT TRAFFIC!" he bounced around... and let's people see the piles of Surge bottles around him. "I may not have my coke but I have my CAFFINE! ALL RIGHT! LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT! Hey, you suspicious foreign car, go that way! You, police car, no speeding without your lights on! WORKITWORKIT!"

            Vegeta fell over panting, exhausted.

            "Hey, part-time short guy," the foreman, walking up from nowhere carrying a heavy load. "We got 12 tons comin', look out for-"

            CRASH

            "-it. Hey, you okay part-timer?" the foreman asked, crouching down by Vegeta, who was squashed flat. 

            "I'm JUST FINE!" Vegeta claimed, climbing up from a pool of his own blood. "If I wasn't we'd have to start the story over and I'd for SURE have to wear that dress..."

            Asha then walked by him, shaking her head in despair. "This is not part of the proscribed scenario."

            "And the Great Author would keep making bad Evangelion jokes!" the unnaturally hyper Vegeta concluded.

            "Well, keep up the good work," the foreman said, and walked off. Looking around, Vegeta noticed a patch of stillness in this otherwise bustling construction site.

            Sitting on the edge of an iron I-beam, sat Chichi, looking morose.

            "HEY CHICHI" Vegeta yelled, coming up.

            "HEY, VEGETA!" she shouted back, and they slammed fists together, laughing.

            "What's gotcha down, Chichi," Vegeta said, and Chichi looked at him with watery eyes. 

            "Chichi has been in Japan for two years now," Chichi murmured, with an atrocious attempt at a Spanish accent. "Chichi misses- well, just look at the flashback," she said and they turned to look off into the distance, which seemed to change to a nice round house and a little boy with incredibly spiky hair. One of their coworkers didn't get out of the way in time and fell off, never to be seen again outside of flashback land. 

            "MAMA!" said the cute little boy.

            "Gohan!" she yelled, catching him as he threw himself into her arms.

            "Welcome home, Chichi," said a taller man, with even spikier hair. Chichi kissed him quickly. "Your son has missed you," he told her.

            "I'm so happy you're back!" Gohan gushed cutely.

            "I'm so happy to be back!" Chichi answered- and the flashback faded away.

            "You're saying that you're homesick?!!" Vegeta exclaimed in disgust.

            "Si," Chichi answered, looking miserable. "I miss my precious son and sexy husband..."

            "YOU IDIOT!" Vegeta screamed, bitch-slapping her. He then proceeded to beat her senseless. 

            "Vegeta, why you beat Chichi?" she whimpered, crying, tears making rivulets down her face.

            "BECAUSE! IF YOUR SON IS REALLY THAT PRECIOUS AND YOUR HUSBAND IS REALLY SEXY THEN YOU'LL DO ANYTHING IN YOUR POWER FOR THEM THAT IS WHAT THEY CALL **TRUE LOVE!"**

            "True love?" Chichi said in amazement. "Why, I never imagined! Why thank you Vegeta! Chichi has now found the joy of working under the hot hot sun again! Thank you! My tears are running like waterfalls!"

            Chichi joyously ran away, dragging some I-beams with her.

            "You're working real hard today ain'tcha?" asked the foreman, seeing Chichi work.

            "Chichi could do all of this before breakfast- of course, she has already had her lunch!" she said, winking.

            "Damn, you've gotten those stupid Japanese work jokes! Well, I think I'll be given you something extra with your pay today- just don't tell that Yamcha!"

            Yamcha, who had been listening in the background, sneezed and dropped the screws he'd been holding.

            "Oh, really?" Chichi exclaimed, looking ecstatic.

            Vegeta watched all this, a satisfied look on his face. "I'll work harder too! For LORD PICCOLO! ALL RIIIIIGHT!" he screamed, waving his baton around. "YOU IGNORANT AND INCOMPETENT MASSES! WORK FOR LORD PICCOLO! WORKWORKWORK LOOK LORD PICCOLO YOUR VEGETA IS WORKING HARD FOR YOU!!!"

            The overly caffinated Vegeta was now doing his little dance, for his Lord Piccolo- and waving the baton about.

            "What? He wants me to go on?" thought a semi, a sports car, a truck and a bus at the same time-

            "HAIL!"

            The semi went through the sports car.

            "LORD!"

            The truck and the bus slammed into the semi at the same time.

            "PICCOLO!"

            The pile up collided with the halfway built building, sending it up inflames while Vegeta threw up his arms in joy for his lord!

            "Eh?"

            Chichi, inside the inferno, was running outside- when her picture of Gohan fell from her pocket and underneath a fallen beam.

            "GOHAN!" she screamed, running to find the picture.

            "ITS HOT! ITS SO HOT!"

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta nervously bit his nails, watching the rescue workers try to get everyone out. "What should I do? What should I DO?"

            "Go in and help!" said Good Vegeta, waving his finger around. "It doesn't matter what happens to you, there are tons of more people out there to help Lord Piccolo!"

            "BUT! But but! I can't afford to be caught now!" he whimpered.

            "Who cares?" Good Vegeta snapped back- before handcuffs were snapped around his wrists.

            "Good Vegeta, you are under arrest for the murder of Bad Vegeta," said a small Chibi of Asha, who drug the Good Chibi Vegeta away.

            "This was a freak accident! An act of god! There was nothing I could have done!" Vegeta exclaimed again. A sudden growling sound interrupted his protests of innocence.

            "Ohhh… I'm so hungry," he whined. "I haven't eaten in four days! Poor Vegeta… This might be a test of my loyalty to lord Piccolo, but…"

            A small, odd creature with bunny ears, looking rather like a small furry Hiei, crossed his path, and backed away. His cute furry creature instincts did not like the look that Vegeta was giving him…

            THUS- Vegeta logic!

            Bunny-creature= animal= MEAT!

            "MEAT!" he snarled, getting to his feet, baring his teeth at it. "MEAT MEAT MEATMEATMEAT!!!!"

            Bunny-chan ran away as his cute little paws could carry him, Vegeta chasing him the whole way.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Chichi," called a voice, as she floated serenely in a sea of stars. "Chichi."

            "I'm feeling rather generous at the moment," Asha said, pushing up her glasses as while looking down at Chichi. "I'll take you back to precious son, and your sexy husband-"

            "DIABLO!" Chichi screamed, trying to scramble away as she saw Asha.

            "What?" Asha answered, offended.

            "Hail Mary, full of grace," Chichi stuttered, still trying to get away.

            "I haven't worked for that guy in ages! I'm a free agent, dammit!"

            "GOD! HELP ME!" the poor construction worker screamed.

            Asha's eyes turned cold. "He can't help you now…" Then grabbed the poor woman, who fainted. "Gah."

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Piccolo looked down at Vegeta, who was bouncing around like an insane marionette, and cleared his throat.

            "I have another mission for you, Vegeta," he said coldly, then smirked.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Oh! My name is Larania. I write fanfic, I'm scum of the earth and no-o-o one will care if I die! La la la!"

            Vegeta snuck up behind her, holding his enormous sword, grinning diabolically.

            "By order of Lord Piccolo, you will die!"

~*~*~*~*~

Episode Four:

The Author Went Home for the Holidays and Got Bored 

Today's Experiment…

 FAILED.

~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta sat on his throne, his eyes not really focusing on anything, with a golden crown, scepter and regal cape.

            "Smurf! SMURF!" cried the little blue creatures in white that bowed before him.

            "I've done it! I'm the KING OF THE SMURFS! MWHAHAHAHA! I have finally found true happiness!"

To be continued!


	5. Its the End of the World as We Know It

**Dende Must Be Crazy (Or Stoned) V**

****

Disclaimer: Dragon Ball Z belongs to Akira Toriyama, and X/1999 belongs to CLAMP. I make no money from this work of fanfiction at all. 

            Vegeta looked at Asha, blinked, and looked at the cast list again.

            "These couples have nothing to do with DBZ."

            Asha looked at him, head tilted to the side.

            "What does that have to do anything?"

            Vegeta rolled his eyes. "All right, all right," he took muttered under his breath. "I thought this next chapter, if you were ever going to write it, would have something to do with Card Captor Sakura."

            Asha showed him the first couple of paragraphs she had written- and Vegeta blanched. 

            "I will NOT use a dildo for a sealing staff!"

            "Then we'll work on X/1999," Asha said emphatically.

            Vegeta's face turned red and sighed- then looked at her curiously. "How did you get Piccolo to be in this one?"

            The deranged author smiled. "I let him be the mysteriously sexy bastard assassin."

            Vegeta threw down his script. "WHAT?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Key:

Scene shifts: ~*~*~*~*~*~

Voiceovers are in _italics_

Note: I can't get this word for word, because I'm going by what I remember- which isn't always accurate.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Darkness. Everywhere was dark, save for the appearance of two identical, massive swords, chased in gold and red, were surrounded by flapping scarlet lengths of cloth. Feathers whirl through the air, almost like snow. Deathly silence reigned, until the soft 'clop clop' of boots echoed, announcing the arrival of two people.

            At least- you thought there were two people.

            Two pale images of Vegeta, clad in black, faces completely blank like death strode in unison to the paired blades thrust into the mirrored floor. Reaching out- opposite hands, right and left, perfectly mirroring one another- they pulled the sacred swords from the ground, and wings emerged from the twin's backs. One bore the graceful white-feathered wings of an angel- the other wore the black webbed struts of a demon. Turning, they face each other, eyes burning the color of molten gold- and their swords crashed in a storm of sparks. The demonic twin smirked, while the other looked enraged- and the battle was fully joined as the ground crumbled to nothing beneath them.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            _I have dreams, and in those dreams, I see the future._

Beep… beep… beep… Swish… swish…swish… 

            _Two Vegetas; two Sacred Swords, and a battle for the fate of the world._

            These were the only sounds in this dark and still room- the sounds of a heart monitor and a respirator. Plastic sheets hung limply around the hospital bed, draped in a futile attempt to keep out the world. Inside was the limp form of a young man- he may have been healthy, even vigorous once. However, all that was left now was a hollow, desiccated shell with unkept lavender hair spilling around him like blood.

            _I am Trunks; a Dragon of Earth, and one of the Seven Harbingers._

_Who am I? Why can I see the future? Those questions no longer matter to me now, ever since I lost the one so dear to me._

~*~*~*~*~*~

A helicopter shone its bright search light on the grounds of a large park: Ueno park. A thick bamboo forest hid one person from view- a person with an oozing wound in his side. Trunks was struggling, sobbing, babbling to himself.

            "Pan, no…"

            He reached a wall and staggered against it. "Did I," he gasped. "Did I make it in time?"

            The wall was broken by a set of stone steps- leading up to a cherry tree blooming out of season. It almost seemed to glow in the twilight. Desperately, Trunks began to claw his ascent up those stairs, pleading with Destiny.

            "Pan… no… if you are here now- you-"

            The young woman above him was staring at something beneath the ever-blooming Tree. He couldn't see what it was beyond a flash of green and an expensive suit.

            Her face was resolute, terrifying in its intensity. She looked regal in her traditional costume of a shikifuku, with a pentacle on the back. Trunks couldn't hear what she said. All he could hear was a disgusting, wet crunch- and the sight of his beloved Pan falling to the petal covered earth.

            "NO! NO! WHY? WHY HER?"

            It was all the boy had strength for- before passing out, as blood mixed with flower petals on the uncaring dirt and stone.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            An elderly woman knelt next to a rumpled futon, eyes full of sadness. The sheets on the futon had been torn and made into a rope, which was heading through a damaged window.

            "Is it over? Did he survive?"

            "Not for much longer," stated a lackey.

            "Do what you can for him," she said softly, looking at her folded hands. "That boy had the power to see the future in his dreams; that was his misfortune."

            Meanwhile, Trunks was being airlifted to a hospital.

            __

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "What is this place?" a young woman, dressed in a pajama set of Chinese shirt and shorts, with short black hair. "Where am I? This isn't the way my dreams usually look."

            The place the girl found herself at was a dark, endless room, with a young man in a sleeping yukata sitting in a doorway through a rice paper and frame wall. 

            "That means," she said playfully, floating over to the young man, "That I must be in _your_ dream."

            Without looking at her, he answered. "That is correct- you are inside my dream."

            "Are you a Dream Seer?" she said excitedly, eyes dancing. "Surprised I know? I'm part of a family of onmyouji- yin-yang masters. Ever heard of the Sumeragi clan? My little brother's the head of it now. I can't do most of the spells anyway. Bu-ut," she drew out the syllable. "What little power I did have allowed me to come here to your dream. What's your name, anyway?"

            "Trunks," he paused, still not looking at her. "Trunks Briefs."

            "Why'm I here, Trunks?" she leaned down to him.

            "I just," he faltered. "I just wanted to see someone," he sounded ashamed of himself.

            "Don't say that!" the girl laughed. "I'd like to think you brought a cute girl like me here on purpose! I'm Pan Sumeragi!" She looked around at the blank landscape. "Now that we've been introduced, how about we leave here?" she grinned impishly at him, as he faintly smiled back. Then he turned morose again.

            "I'd like to, but-."

            "Oh come on now- you honestly don't expect me to believe that this is how you wanted to spend your life," Pan chided, hands on her hips.

            "I'd like to go somewhere," Trunks mumbled shyly. "Anywhere."

            "Anywhere? Are you sure? I mean, this IS kind of like a first date, isn't it?" she tilted his face up.

            He looked away again. "I would… like to visit the ocean."

            "All right!" she caroled- and the Dreamscape changed- they were on a rocky outcropping, before a blue sea, with sea-gulls calling in the distance on a day with perfect weather.

            "We're in MY dream now," the genki teenager informed him. "This is beautiful, but the real ocean side is MUCH more incredible.

            Trunks was staring around him in awe. He'd never seen anything so beautiful…

            "Now- I want to meet the REAL Trunks," Pan brought him back to himself. "And not in a dream."

            Trunks looked mildly frightened- for him that was an extreme reaction. "I'd like to meet you too- but I can't go outside. Not ever."

            "Oh Trunks," she brushed her hand across his face. "There is nothing absolute in this world- nothing. It'll be all right! You have Pan Sumeragi by your side, after all."

            She stood straight up, offering a hand- and hope. "Come with me- out of this dream, outside!"

            Trunks reached out to grasp her hand- and went through it, and he collapsed forward.

            The image of Pan disappeared, like the memory she was.

            _Even though I foresaw your death- I couldn't do anything. That was when my heart died, and I stopped caring for this world._

_            Now, all I can do is sleep- and continue to see the future, in my dreams…_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Tokyo- a city teaming with people, with life… and it was rent with fire. Massive fissures opened up form a six-pointed star within a circle.

            __

_            The time of ultimate tragedy is coming. _

            Seven forms took flight from those cracks in the earth- red brown dragons flew into the sky. They were met by an equal force of dragons from the sky, blue gray, streaming from the heavens to lock into combat.

            _Guided by destiny, the Seven Seals, the Dragons of Heaven-_

            A circle of seven cloaked figures, around a glowing sphere stood, above a seal of twining, silver dragons…

_            And the Seven Harbingers, the Dragons of Earth, will meet, and their battle will decide the fate of the world._

            Seven cloaked arrayed themselves in the sky, armed with spears, with wings of white, before a seal of twined earth colored dragons, fighting each other as they fought together-

            _I cannot save one soul of the millions that will be lost._

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Trunks stood amidst a desert wasteland- one that had once been Tokyo. Only two structures remained standing- Tokyo Tower and the Governor's Palace.

            _The future is always one- the fate of all is already decided._

_            Even if they meet, even if they hurt- even if the _love_ one another…_

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Goku tossed the basketball to Vegeta, trying to convey what he felt with his eyes. "I made you a promise all those years ago- that if you were ever hurt, if you ever needed me, I would protect you. That's the way it was and always will be."

            Vegeta looked at the ball in his hands, then dropped. "I've already forgotten. You should too. Here is our new promises- never do anything for anyone that you don't have to."

            Goku was stricken. "Vegeta-"

            Lightening crashed- and both boys were saw- each other, flying, fighting, crossing swords in front of Tokyo Tower. Both stopped and clutched their heads.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "I've decided on you, missy!" Goten called, as electricity crackled from his hands and burned away the flying cables as they fought the massive supercomputer above Tokyo.

            "Decided? On what?" Videl growled, cutting through cables with her sword.

            "Well, if I have to decide, it might as well be for someone beautiful," he grinned at the put out female in a sailor school uniform beside him.

            "WHAT did you decide?" she yelled.

            "That you are the person I'm going to give my life for!"

            "WHAT?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Tell me Juuhachigou, is that boy _really _the Vegeta?" Asha asked, looking up at the twisting, horrific mass of supercomputer as it disconnected from the young blond girl inside it.

            "According to Beast, the answer is yes," Juuhachigou said flatly. 

            Turning, the blue skinned woman smiled. "Well, I'm sure Vegeta won't bore you."

~*~*~*~*~*~

            Piccolo stood next to Gohan on the rooftop as he lit Piccolo's cigarette, removing his sunglasses- revealing one black eye, and one white, dead and useless. 

            "I see you've taken up smoking," he smiled condescendingly down at the smaller man. "Don't you know that's bad for your health?"

            "Hm," Gohan scowled, leaping backwards and whipping out three ofuda.

            "I see," Piccolo took another puff from his cigarette. "You're one of those Dragons of Heaven, trying to save the world?" His contempt was obvious.

            "I care nothing for this world," Gohan said baldly. "I only fight so that my wish might come true."

            "Your wish is to kill me? To take revenge for your dear elder sister, Pan?" Piccolo sighed, bored. A ghost of a massive Sakura tree, blood and petals floated between them, memory haunting them both.

            "You really are adorable, aren't you Gohan?"

            Snorting, Gohan threw his ofuda, and they became doves, streaming towards the green skinned man, who merely formed a shield in the shape of an inverted pentagram with his smoke.

~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Ah," Tien smiled down at the small cat, scratching her ears. "That's a good kitty- a little strange, maybe, but a good kitty." He blinked, looking up at the small girl, Bra, as she gasped and trembled, then threw herself into his arms. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

            "I've never met anyone before who could see Puar!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Bra stood at a massive gate, Puar on her shoulder, staring up at a massive TV screen that held Juuhachigou's impassive face.

            "Answer me," she demanded, voice dead as ever. "Why is it wrong to kill humans? Is it because humans are stronger than other creatures?"

            "NO!" Bra denied, one hand in Puar's fur for comfort.

            "If there were something stronger than humans, would it be all right to kill them then?"

            "NO- that's not it!" Bra tried to come up with an answer, while she was coming within Juuhachigou's target sights.

            "Then answer me- why is it wrong to kill humans?"

            Suddenly, cables and wires flew at Bra- only to be intercepted by her spirit cat.

            "PUAR!"

            Inside, Juuhachigou disconnected herself, while Yamcha watched.

            "I could pity that poor girl, a young Dragon of Heaven, almost in tears without an answer," he murmured, his jovial voice subdued.

            "An answer based on ethical viewpoint," Juuhachigou replied. "A biological answer, an idealistic answer; there are many things that could serve as an answer," she jumped down from Beast's womb. "But none are complete answers."

            Yamcha looked to the side. "I guess the best answer I could give would be, that people would be sad."

            Juuhachigou blinked at him- her emotionless face looking almost… surprised.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Juunanagou," Goku asked, as he sat in a throne-like chair. The black haired, genderless creature looked up at him with adoring eyes. "What is your Wish?"

            "I don't know," it murmured, and rested its head on Goku's knee. "But," it searched for words. "I feel that I don't want to be apart from you."

            "Why is that?" Goku said, his menacing voice almost gentle.

            "Because you look like my father," Juunanagou said with all honesty.

            "And what did your father call you?" Goku started stroking its hair.

            "Kazuki," it nearly purred, closing its eyes.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            It flew through the skies, just barely dodging three balls of fire, creating a shield for itself by weaving its scarf into a pentacle.

            "I don't believe there is such thing as a living creature with no emotions," Chichi whispered at the sexless being before her. "You just don't know you have them." She called her fires to her, wrapping them about her to do battle.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Mr. Krillen!" she gasped.

            The tiny man cast his winds around him.

            "I should be the one to go- you have a wife, and a lovely child," she whispered.

            "Did you think," he growled back at her. "Did you honestly think, that no one would cry if you died? I WOULD CRY, MISS CHICHI!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "So, there were two Vegetas after all," Asha smirked down at Larania, dressed in traditional robes, eyes blind, sitting in a spell circle. Both females' foreheads were scrawled with an eye. "An Accompanying Star, that would fall to fill the empty seat, whichever way the Vegeta chose."

            "No," Larania said, but didn't- no sound came from her lips, her answer echoing inside Asha's mind.

            "The Other Vegeta is close by. I'll have to go find him," she smirked. "Your vision was correct sister. Now, you have your Vegeta, and I have mine." The darker woman exited the vision, shattering it-

            "Don't sister! DON'T TAKE VEGETA INTO YOUR FOLD!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            A rock pillar served for a cross as Vegeta was pinned to it by shards of glass, with a Sacred Sword through one of his hands, as Goku licked the blood from his neck.

            "The Earth is crying out for a Revolution- a Revolution that humans will not interfere with," he told Vegeta, head resting against his neck. He was in such deep shock he barely heard him.

            Across the way- Vegeta saw Bulma, tied to a cross of steel girders with wires.

            "Big," she gasped in pain. "Brother."

            Goku then stood on the cross beam- and took the sacred sword and-

            "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Vegeta screamed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            _Tragedy will repeat tragedy… We cannot fight against destiny; we must all go along with its flow. There is but one future- only one._

            "Is this what you wanted?" Trunks asked Bulma, gently placing his hands on her shoulders, showing her his favorite ocean Dreamscape.

            "Yes," she breathed. She looked off in the distance. "We can still dream, even when we are dying."

            "I'm sorry," Trunks whispered. "I foresaw all of this- but I couldn't save you, or her."

            She turned around and smiled into his eyes. "Its not your fault," she looked away. "Its time for me to go."

            The lovely blue haired girl started to float away, ghostly wings appearing behind her while he held her hands

            "Trunks- if you see my brother Goku and Vegeta- please tell them," she was above his head now, and he was forced to let her go. "Please tell them, that I love them both!"

            He watched her fade into the distance, as white feathers rained down on him.

            "And that the future has not been determined yet!"

            He heard her say this, even as it turned dark, and he could hear the gears of a slowly dying world.

            _And the future, has not been determined yet…_

"You're wrong," came a voice, and Trunks turned to see Goku staring at him, with a predator's gaze. "The future was determined the moment I became a Dragon of Earth."

            Trunks put up a barrier of ice between them- that Goku shattered with a gesture, breaking the dream, showing him, pitiful and comatose on his bed.

            "Trunks, there is but one future. Come with me," he put his hand on the slender throat. "And weave some dreams for me."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            _Even now- I continue to see the future in my dreams. Yet, I continue to hope that the words that girl spoke were true- and that I might hold on to courage the one I loved so dearly, gave to me._

"Its all right," Pan said, smiling into his eyes. "You have Pan Sumeragi by your side! Come with me, out of this dream, outside!"

            This time- when Trunks reached out, their hands touched- and he gripped her like a lifeline. He could feel her tugging him away- and he went, as they left their dream- together.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Cast:

Kamui Shirou- Vegeta

Fuuma Monou- Goku

Kakyou Kuzuki- Trunks

Subaru Sumeragi- Gohan

Seishirou Sakurazuka- Piccolo

Kotori Monou- Bulma

Yuzuriha Nekoi- Bra

Kusangi- Tien

Karen Kasumi- Chichi

Seichirou Aoki- Krillen

Yuuto- Yamcha

Satsuki- Juuhachigou

Nataku- Juunanagou

Sorata Arisugawa- Goten

Arashi Kishuu- Videl

Kanoe- Asha

Hinoto- Larania

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            Vegeta looked at Asha.

            "I want my Prozac," he looked at her, terrified. "You're going to let Goku molest me again?

            Asha looked at him. "Yes."

            "You also let Piccolo be the part I would be perfect for!" he growled. "I would be GREAT at being Sakurazukamori."

            "You're too short," Asha told him, looking bored.

            "WHY X?" he finally screamed.

            Asha rattled a bottle at him.

            "Oh- you're changing medications…"

Dedicated to VP on his/her twenty-second birthday!


End file.
